Do you feel anything?

There’s something about how I’m feeling today. It’s slightly different than usual and I want to explore share my thoughts with you. I’m actually writing this post from my iPhone so bear with me as I dig a little deeper…

Yesterday I had a semi-stressful day because I was dealing with a graduate 👩🏽‍🎓 group assignment that’s been hard to organize. It’s Thanksgiving holiday so who wants to study?! Also, a romance interest of mine went dark.

I think he disappeared into outer space.

Between balancing emotions and rational thought about either topic I didn’t want to loose myself, to not feel exactly what I needed to so I asked myself “Do you feel anything? I was surprised to discover that I really did, aside from the frustration of either scenario.

Feelings aren’t something you talk about, right? They’re secrets you keep to yourself as not to seem over emotional or down right crazy. You leave them at the door when you head out for work (at least 80% of them) and you check back in with your feelings only if a cocktail is nearby🍸 Simple as that! It’s typically societal influences or personal inhibitions that dictate how, when and why we should feel.

I was semi-willing to let my feelings flow but wanted to be in motion while doing so. The most logical thing to do was to walk. Random but completely me. Within 30 minutes of my jaunt from East Austin to downtown I found myself at a train track tucked in between Austin Central Library and Congress Avenue. It felt odd and somehow perfect to see such an old relic smack in the middle of glass high rises. Something so old being complemented by mega real estate felt ironic but I liked it. Moving on…

Within the next 10 minutes I started chatting with an old friend via Facebook messenger and ultimately called her old school style. We quickly transitioned to FaceTime so I could talk to her two year old. It was a blast! As I walked through Zilker Park, I watched a little one play with my digital face, singing pre-school songs to my forehead. I loved it. Next…

8 or so minutes after that I received a text from another friend wanting to check in. “All this friendship love ❤️ I thought to myself? It’s nice. Oh, and somewhere between the train track and this call I had another incoming text asking about my latest personal updates which was a sweet surprise.

It didn’t seem obvious at that time but life was trying to get me to feel things aside from anxiety, stress and the personal loss I had been experiencing all day. But before I could, I had to take physical steps forward—not just say “I’ll deal with you feelings, sometime” but actually confront them straight up through just walking.

During my walk I didn’t come to any grandiose epiphany of either scenario I first mentioned. I’m sure I subconsciously exhausted mental energy towards my angst while I walked but I didn’t feel it. I just felt good, about life, friends and where I was going next—and not scared to keep asking myself “Do you feel anything?”

xo Moni

All photos by Moni Briones – 2017

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